Erza's Classroom, Erza's Rules
by Aspicientis
Summary: Erza tries to teach a sex ed class. Keyword: tries. Rated M because we're talking about MAKING BABIES. :D
1. Chapter 1

Well, this little voice was in my head one day.

'What if Erza taught a sex ed class?'

Also, if anything is wrong, like stuff that usually isn't in the class, I'm sorry. I've never really HAD sex ed before...

Disclaimer: Me? Fairy Tail? Haha, nope. Not mine.

*0*0*0*

All was normal in Fairy Tail.

Or, at least as normal as it could possibly be.

Furniture, food, people, and other unknown items soared across the room as Natsu and Gray fought, most likely for something stupid.

"You spilled my iced tea on my shorts, it looks like I took a piss in them!"

"Then why don't you strip down like you always do, freezy boy?"

"'Freezy boy'? You seriously couldn't think of anything better? You're such a dumbass!"

Yep. Pretty stupid. But still, it was loud and echoed throughout the entire room, so no one was able to hear a metal foot kick the door open, and none other than Erza Scarlet march in.

"I have an announceme-" The woman's decree was silenced by a mound of spaghetti splatting on her face.

Erza's expression turned dark, and she scraped the pile of noodle off her face, and tried getting the tomato sauce off, too, but only resulted of smearing it around and making part of her face the same shade as her hair. She exhaled through her nose roughly to feel a noodle slide out. She got it out, disgusted. Okay, now she was pretty pissed.

"WHO THE HELL STARTED THIS?!" she demanded, steam practically coming out of her ears. All the commotion stopped.

"He did it!" accused Natsu and Gray in unison, pointing at each other. They each had a few bruises here and there, and Natsu's shirt was ripped, while Gray was standing there in almost-shredded-luckily-not black boxers.

Erza, not in the mood to figure things out logically, took both ears and dragged them to a neighboring room. There were quite a few screams, and, if the audience didn't know who it was, would've mistaked it for Lucy (she had one hell of a high pitched and loud scream. Sadly, this is spoken from experience).

A few minutes later, three people came out, two bound and gagged. Erza, somehow, was now clean, and she dropped the two squirming young men on the floor, ignoring their silent pleads of help.

"Now," she spoke, wiping her hands, "I have an announcement to make."

The guild listened closely.

"Some of you will start taking sex education classes tomorrow. The class list will be up in the morning." Erza spun on her armored heel and headed out the door, leaving Fairy Tail in dead silence.

Now that, my friends, is magic.

*0*0*0*

The next day, members of Fairy Tail filed in to see who would have to take such a dreadful class.

"Erza Scarlet's Sexual Education Class

Teacher: Erza Scarlet

Students:

Natsu Dragneel

Gray Fullbuster

Lucy Heartfilia

Levy McGarden

Gajeel Redfox

Juvia Loxar

Mirajane Strauss

Elfman Strauss

Lisanna Strauss

Wendy Marvell

Romeo Conbolt

Cana Alberona"

Some people sighed in relief, not having to be in the class.

Most moaned.

"And class starts today, too..." Gray mumbled, sleep coming from him like waves.

"Why do I have to go?" Wendy whimpered. "I might as well be on my death bed." Carla patted the girl's back sympathetically.

"Yay! A class with Natsu-nii!" cheered Romeo.

Erza came in the door, clearly a morning bird. She had a burgundy suit on, with black flats and glasses.

"All right," she smirked. "Let the session begin!"

*0*0*0*

Oh dear lord. I have no idea where I got this.

But, is it good? Should I continue? :3

Giving me reviews is like giving Erza strawberry cake! I eat it up and can't wait for more!

Also, I am SUPER excited we can finally stories from mobile! No hassle trying to get to my laptop at two in the morning. I mean, I'm currently on my iPod notes right now~


	2. Chapter 2

Ahh, I feel so special! 8 REVIEWS! xD Sorry it took a while to make a chapter, but I start school tomorrow, sooo… Things are going to get busy, especially since my mom's a teacher.

Thanks to:

WildCard555

GoldenRoseTanya

GrayFullbusterfangirl

MidNightDreamer16

i heart fairy tail

JayyRickyy

RukiaKuchikiRoyAi

Mysteriousity1

Disclaimer: If I owned Fairy Tail… well, I'm not genius enough to think up something like Fairy Tail! XD

*0*0*0*

Erza led her new pupils to a classroom, and everyone sat down nervously. Whipping out a piece of chalk, the red-haired woman wrote "The Education of Sexual Intercourse".

"Umm…" Wendy raised her hand. "Excuse me?"

"Yes?" Erza glanced away from the chalkboard.

"What is sexual intercourse?"

Everyone looked at Wendy like she grew another head. Well, except Natsu.

"It's okay, Wendy!" he grinned. "Come here, I'll whisper it to you!" Natsu cupped his hand over Wendy's ear, and began to explain.

Wendy covered her mouth with her hand. "Oh…" She then looked over at Lucy and blushed a tomato red. "_Oh…"_

Everyone looked over to Lucy. Gajeel sniggered, "Guess it was bound to happen sometime."

"Ha! Cana, you owe me five bucks! Natsu and Lucy got together!" squealed Mirajane happily. Cana sighed and gave her a bill.

Lucy's cheeks turned a rosy pink as she sputtered, "She's not looking at me, she's looking at the wall! And even if she was looking at me, it was purely coincidental! AND YOU GUYS WERE BETTING ON US?!"

"It's not like there's anything better to do," Levy said.

"Levy, please! You're one of the ones we're betting on!" laughed Cana.

"What?!" she squeaked. "With who?"

Mirajane giggled and pointed to Gajeel, who didn't notice.

Levy's mouth was an 'o'. "What? We're nothing alike!"

Cana shrugged. Mirajane's eyes glimmered. "But you guys would be sooo perfect!"

Juvia hugged Lucy. "Yay!" she squealed. "Juvia can be your friend since you're not competition for Gray-sama anymore!"

Lucy yelled. "I never was!"

"SILENCE!" bellowed Erza. She was tapping her heel. "Wendy, do you know what it is now?"

Wendy nodded quietly.

"Good, now let's begin." She started to write things on the board. Most were too lazy to look at it and glanced around the blank room. Gray got an idea and smiled evilly. He pointed his finger at Natsu and froze his foot to the floor.

Natsu, suddenly feeling something cold on his left foot, looked down to see it covered in ice. "Hey!" he shouted. "Gray put ice on my foot!"

"No I didn't," said Gray.

"Did too!"

"Did not."

"DID TOO!"

"I didn't."

"FIRE DRAGON-"

"Natsu!" Lucy whispered. "Shut up!"

Natsu sighed and slumped into his chair.

"Guess you get no goods tonight," Gray said quietly, only to where Natsu's keen ears could hear it.

"Okay, that's it!" Natsu turned his fist into a bright ball of fire. "It's on!"

Erza glared at the two boys. "No. It's. Not."

"B-bu-" Natsu tried to start. He extinguished his flaming hand.

"No. Sit down and let me continue the lesson. And also, Gray, put your shirt back on."

Gray looked down. "Shit!"

"Gray!" Lisanna spoke. "Don't curse in the classroom!"

"I can do whatever I want!" countered Gray, standing up.

"Gray, your underwear."

Gray looked down, again, and ran out of the classroom butt-naked. Natsu fell on the floor laughing, while Wendy and most of the other girls shrieked and covered their eyes. Romeo stared at the wall, a blank expression on his face.

"Why does he keep _doing_ that?!" Lucy said, disgusted.

"Oh, Lucy, why does it matter to you?" Cana winked. "It's not like you haven't seen one before."

Before Lucy could come up with a reply, Erza gripped her chalk hard enough to make it snap. "If one more person speaks, they're getting a taste of my Heaven's Wheel."

A word wasn't spoken after that.

*0*

"Okay, that's all for today." Everyone cheered and sped out of the classroom, and went their separate ways.

Lucy sighed, walking back into the guild's main room. "I don't get why we have to have a sex ed class."

"I agree," murmured Levy.

"Wait," thought Natsu, "that was a sex ed class?"

*0*0*0*

MY PUPPY IS SLEEPING ON MY LAP. I LOVE PUPPIES.

But I'm done with the chapter! :D You like? You want more? Don't worry, folks, I have a lot more ideas in the head of mine!

Reviews are my kittens to Alphonse Elric! My pizza to C.C.! My fancy tuna to Haruhi Fujioka!

I hope you got at least one of those. XD

Well, see you next time! :3


	3. Chapter 3

Okay, I have no excuse for waiting this long to update, well, except maybe school. And I got a tumblr. God, those things are addicting…

But if you follow toasty-warm-couch-potato, you get a cookie! :D

Disclaimer: Of course I own Fairy Tai-… *cops give a glare* Haha. Just kidding. ^-^U

*0*0*0*

The second day was about to begin. Of course, only about half the seats were full, as a contagious flu had been going around. Unfortunately, Erza had an immune system of steel and was still as bright as the sun coming into the room the next morning.

Natsu sighed. It wasn't fun without Lucy, or, he dare admit it, _Gray. _The bastard who could stand shirtless and comfortable in 10 degree weather was out with a cold.

Of course, Natsu never caught colds. He was just that awesome. But almost no one was here to see it! What was he supposed to do?

"… Where'd the class go?" Erza wondered aloud, slamming a briefcase on her desk.

"I wouldn't be surprised if this sickness was a fake and no one wanted to be here," Gajeel muttered.

"What was that?" seethed Erza.

"Nothing, gawd, don't get your panties in a twist." Gajeel yawned and stuck his legs up on the desk in front of him.

"Ow!" squealed Levy. "I'm right here, you know!"

"Really? Couldn't see you there, shortstack!" Gajeel snickered.

Erza coughed loudly, trying to get everyone's attention. It obviously didn't work, so she got a ruler and whacked it against the blackboard.

All eyes were on her.

"Thank you," said Erza, whipping out a piece of chalk. "Now, today's lesson will be about seduction."

"Seduction…?" whispered Natsu.

"This was never in any of the sex ed classes I took before," muttered Gajeel.

"Who's the teacher?!" Erza yelled. "Don't tell me how to teach!"

Upon hearing the word 'seduction', Juvia grabbed out a big notebook and put it on her desk.

"Juvia will be prepared for Gray-sama," she said to herself.

"Hey, Juvia," Natsu wondered, "Why you got that notebook there?" He didn't bother being quiet.

Wendy, who was sitting the closet to Natsu, cupped her hand and spoke softly, "I think it's because she likes Gray."

"WHAT?!" burst out the pink-haired wizard. "JUVIA LIKES GRAY?!"

Everyone stared at Natsu worriedly.

Juvia gaped and blushed. "Juvia doesn't know what you're talking about! You don't know anything!" he left the room on the brink of tears.

"I didn't know she'd get upset…"

Erza glared at Natsu. "Natsu… don't interrupt my class..." she said, between her teeth.

Natsu sweatdropped and plopped down.

"Now, before I was so rudely interrupte-" Erza was about to start.

Gray crashed through the wall (it must've been cheap) and ran around.

"DAMMIT, GRAY!" someone shouted. It appeared to be Lucy.

Erza started to pull her hair and scream. "I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!" She ran out.

Natsu thought for a moment.

"I think we just out-insaned Erza."

"Is that even possible?"

*0*0*0*

I think I'll end it here… But, was it worth reading? :3

Stay tuned, though, for I have an idea for a Fullmetal Alchemist fanfiction! Muahaha!


End file.
